Monday, April 27, 2015

Fulfilling the Desire

All I want are a few minutes to write, to capture all of these thoughts and strung together sentences onto the page before they once again dissipate, but the days come and the days go and once again I am left with an empty page, time for writing sacrificed for time with the ones I love most which is really no sacrifice at all.

At times I am desperate for the release, for the therapy that happens when I place pen to page, but one of the many lessons I have learned in these short years of parenting is that nothing stays the same for long – a day will come again when I have the time I desire, but only at the sacrifice of no longer having a warm baby on my chest, so I squeeze in the moments when I can, O in the crook of one arm while I write with the other.

Time to do as I desire may be hard to come by in this season, but today I commit to myself that I will make time to do one of the things I crave most even if it is in small doses, to promise myself to capture these moments and emotions I want to look back on – the best gift I can think of giving myself as the years continue to come and go. This desire is not a new one, but it is one I have left unfulfilled for far too long whereas writing used to be a daily habit.

 Journals fill a suitcase in our art room and were set aside when the weight of the words became too much and though they are heavy and though I will happily bundle and burn them when I am through – at the time those words are what helped me through – some may have alcohol some may have drugs, but I mostly have bic pens and cheap notebooks. I know I will never regret taking the time to write, I will only regret all of the words unwritten and while these days I am not looking for salvation so much as savoring, the words are just as important and the desire for release is just as strong.

Notebooks and pens will once again be kept handy and even when I find myself exhausted and drained I will find myself to them to capture even those moments for the beauty of their rawness. It may be a challenge and it may happen one-handed, but it will always be worth the effort.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Love and Community

O was born six weeks ago yesterday and that little tidbit is a bit hard to swallow but also very comforting. This time around I am much more settled into this role, much less worried about the little things, much more in the zone of just enjoying it all and not worrying about the things I now know won't matter two years from now.  And you know, I never really did announce that here did I? That I had a baby? Well hey - that up there is O next to big sis and it has been true love all around from the first moment I held her to my chest and Iz peered into the birth pool and touched her tiny head.

Lying and saying two is no big deal would not be doing myself or anyone else any favors. Two is so full of love and so worth it, but it's hard folks. Sleeping less, giving up my time for projects and husband snuggling, living with less showers and more general chaos, well, I was prepared for all of that, knowing that while it is hard it is fleeting and that we would make it through in one piece, but the part I couldn't prepare for even though I knew it was coming and the part that I really knew would be hard (and that is) was Iz no longer being my one and only, for sharing our hearts and time with another and how that would be for her and I both. Mostly we get by and squeeze in time where we can but I can see how much she needs more time with just me and how I need time with just her, where both of my arms, my lap and my attention are there for her alone. We are working on it every day and I know with time we will have more one-on-one time and I look forward to Mama and Iz dates in the future, when baby sis is old enough to stay to play with E while Iz and I hit the town or the trails together just two of us. She is such a joy and so conversational these days that I am trying to soak it all in and burn these days into my memory so as not to miss her at this incredible point in her life. And E? If you're reading this? Remind me to hand over O when your own arms are free so I can scoop up Iz to gobble her like a cob of corn, okay? We really do need those moments to fill up our hearts.

Luckily though, our hearts are pretty content as is thanks to having such a wonderful community on our side this time around. When Iz was born I was very happy and so in love, but the days soon became long and lonesome. I felt isolated and with a particularly challenging baby even more so as I was hesitant to even get in the car to drive anywhere more than a few minutes away. Luckily, one day when I was around six months old I did and that eventually led us to where we are today, with our wonderful mama tribe. This time my sister and my two closest mamas were there by my side as O made her way into the world and when my 30th birthday came just two days after O's birth there was a home-cooked birthday meal and special handmade treats and the company of our tribe to make the day special. Further meals have been provided and more importantly company and emotional support as we settle into this next stage and I truly don't even let myself think about what I would do without it as I know I won't have to. Being me a little part of me is still waiting for the other ball to drop, for it all to come crashing down and for me to be left feeling alone in this journey once again, but I know that isn't life these days, that good things can stick around and that these ones are here for the long haul and that one day I'll even get to the point where I feel that I deserve that love and where typing that and admitting it doesn't make me anxious.

Love love love though, it is here in this home and here in my heart for these incredible girls of mine and there is no doubting that. Rubbing my cheek against O's full head of hair, snuggling up to Iz for a story or listening to her hilarious ramblings as she spends hours going back and forth on her swing, baking with I while O is wrapped to my chest - those things make my body max out on love to the point I think my skin may start to crack. And just as everyone says it does, that love just expanded right on out to encompass O once she was born and scooped her right up into the fold. I guess we're in what everyone calls the fourth trimester right now, those first few months on the outside, so I hold our tiny one close and know it will all fall into place even more than it already has, that we will hit our stride a little more each day, and that I am lucky as can be to have a crew on my side this time to help me find my way if I start to go astray.