Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Learning Curve

Looking ahead to the forecast for last weekend I asked E if he wanted to go an a hike on Saturday and of course he said yes, being the first weekend we haven't had a birthday party in over a month we took full advantage of getting out into nature for a bit and it was a wonderful decision. On the way there Iz had a much needed nap and I had a good cry/breakdown that was also much needed and the hike, fresh air, beautiful views, working muscles, they were all exactly what I needed to rebalance.

There is a bit of a learning curve after becoming a mother but lately there is even more of a learning curve as I dive more deeply into living the life I've imagined. Some from-scratch meals may turn out lousy but I will keep trying and keep adding drops of knowledge into my bucket for later use. Sometimes going through the boxes and boxes of stuff to finally be rid of it may be exhausting and emotionally trying but worth it. It's all a bit much but important work. Lately we have been doing a lot of that work in order to simplify our lives. Upon moving in with E I brought along belongings from all the lives I had lived prior and had to store it away temporarily, never pairing down. Since that point my mom moved houses and more boxes of things wore stored away, then my uncle lost the farm and more boxes and barrels of my grandma's things were stored away, then my dad passed away and many more boxes and bags came. These boxes, bags and barrels have been mentally weighing on me for years now and with another boost aiming me toward the desire to simplify we finally dove in. So many loads have been recycled, so many loads have been dropped at Goodwill and there are many more bags of items to be dropped at an upcycling store in town. Each time a load leaves I feel lighter and more relieved and soon it will all be done. As this happens I finally feel like I can start moving forward and healing a bit more while also leaving room in my mind and life for seeing what comes next. We still have just a couple more boxes and bins to go through but we are nearing the next phase and that is such a relief. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Step by Step by Step

Life is good lately. Things are still off with Iz's latch but after some unexpected trauma we continued on with the aftercare and now we are back to living life and working with our new situation. The good news? While her latch hasn't changed yet her personality has. I have always thought she is amazing and would tell her so regularly but lately she is just such a joy. She chuckles and plays and is so sweet and gentle and kind while still maintaining her strong opinions. This process has left me with a lot of guilt over not figuring out what was going on sooner, not helping her sooner, not taking away her discomfort immediately, but I know that guilt is unwarranted as there was no way to know and so instead I am choosing to celebrate our progress instead. Some days I still tear up and some days I still feel overwhelmed with some aspects of what I'm handling but I am more than happy to handle it. Happy to have a healthy joyful girl and a healthy wonderful husband. Happy to have a warm safe home over our heads and happy to have a community of like-minded mamas on my side. 

With the rough patches we have been handling lately I am more thankful than ever for choosing positivity, for being able to keep pushing forward and focusing on one day and one moment at a time, it's helped. At the same time I still feel if I'm on the brink of something big, on changes to my life and to how our family lives and it feels good. I feel inspired and motivated and hopeful and I am trying to spend any free moments I can nurturing this feeling and these changes as to not lose hold of them. More than anything I do not want to lose hold of them because these changes are helping us get closer and closer to the future we have envisioned and each step we take, no matter how tiny, is an important step. One, after another, after another, and we will continue forward like that, each step adding one more stone to a foundation we can really build on. I can breath easier with that thought.


Friday, October 18, 2013


Dipping my toes back in with some gratitude.

This week I am thankful for...

...good doctors when you need them.

...all of the celebrations of newly turned one year olds - friends, family, our own.

...a backyard swing for my sweet daughter. mama tribe - I'd be lost without them and am so thankful for the acquaintances turned friends.

...for less than two weeks remaining on our little dude's bed rest. 

...and less than four days of mouth stretches remaining for our girl. 

...for spontaneous chuckles coming from my girl at the most random of times.

...for daily snuggles and book reading in our little green chair with her favorite puppy pillow.

...for a full weekend of family fun ahead - birthday partying and pumpkin patching here we come!

What are you feeling most thankful for this week?


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October 1, 2013

A birthday behind us. A small party with family and a few of our longest-held friends. A bin full of chalk that our girl likes to play with. Here we are in October.

Finding time to write is tricky lately because I prefer to be positive and with some struggles I have been facing it has been hard to know where to turn or who to talk to about it all. Finally, the day after Iz's first birthday, we figured out what has been causing our nursing struggles and basically almost every struggle we have been having since she has been born. Well, not everything, being a new parent would be life changing and world rocking and quite the adjustment regardless of anything, but the gas, the dry skin, the flattened nipples, the restless sleep, the still nursing very very frequently all through the day and night, the throwing up while trying to eat solids, the fighting and struggling at my breast....just so much. The latest person we saw for craniosacral work found her to have a moderate to severe posterior tongue tie, an upper lip tie and palette issues due to those ties. My emotions on this are so all over the place, anger for us not having found help for this sooner, frustration at not being able to get help quickly now that we know what is going on, guilt for not being able to help relieve my baby of the tension and discomfort she has been dealing with for all of her life...just so much..again. Now we just wait to get in for an evaluation at the only person in the area who can correct these ties via laser and without general anesthesia. I feel so helpless as I just want relief for her and for us now, but I know I have to be patient and hopeful and just wait. Once I have contact with the doctor and have a date to look forward to it will really help for us to push forward, but right now it is just all a bit much so I'm just trying to have fun when and where I can and be thankful we at least have more information and know where to go from here.